Reflections: Deep and slow
For the whole of August I have been - I hesitate to say unwell - feeling different to usual. It began with waking one night with an excruciating headache and even when that cleared I felt dizzy or light-headed and with numbness around my lips and face.
You don't need to hear all the details, and as I write to you now I am feeling almost back to my normal self physically. On another level I feel there.have been profound insights.
I wrote these words on 2nd August
“Yesterday, as I was lying on a hospital bed, about to have a lumbar puncture to double check that I had not had a bleed in the brain, I decided to call on Source, and specifically my connection with the ocean.
I immediately received a wonderful sense of being supported. I heard the sound of the song of the humpback whales, and saw images of them floating in the water between the ocean depths and the surface. So graceful and such huge creatures.
I had my eyes shut and the sun light was streaming through the window so the colour through my eyelids was red/orange. And - I saw a huge whale's eye looking at me with such love and tenderness.”
Interestingly, the day I was at the hospital, there was a humpback whale spotted off the coast of Cornwall, not that far from where I was. This is not uncommon, but rare to get photos and video. Here is a link to the 'Lone Kayaker' blog.
All the tests were negative and I was discharged the same day. Since then I have experienced the side-effects from the lumbar puncture I was warned about, especially terrible headaches (ironic as the doctor said), which are only eased by lying flat. I have been communing with the whales while doing that and received a message: “Deep and slow.”
"Deep and slow" has needed to be my mantra for this month as I have felt the need for lots of rest, and to literally slow down, to do less, to choose carefully. I have done very little writing, although I feel that this experience will be part of my book, a key section in fact. I have been deliberating whether to push ahead and aim for publication in November as I have planned. Or whether to wait a while, take my time, allow the deep and slow process to continue some more.
Deep and slow. Deep and slow. The whales, along with dolphins and porpoises, are often present around our coast here in Cornwall. And yet, they are rarely seen. Knowing the whales are there somewhere in the depths, and knowing how far they travel around the world, is humbling for me. My journey down with the whales has been - and continues to be - a meditation. Another type of magic carpet ride, a visualisation journey. The difference for me in this recent experience has been that the images arose so unexpectedly, from the depths of my subconscious maybe, as I lay there asking for help.
Many of us receive messages when we are out in nature. On that same day, after the procedure had been completed and the doctor had left me to rest in the quiet room, I gazed out of the window. I could see some sky, and trees in the background. In the foreground the building I was in was covered in scaffolding. Around the scaffolding were fluttering several pairs of butterflies. Red admirals I think, although it was hard to see with the sunlight streaming in the window. I lay and watched their dance for a long time. So beautiful, yet they were simply going about the 'business' of their short lives.
The time when I most needed to rest coincided with a period of bad weather. More recently I have been able to walk on the cliffs again. One of the first times I went out to Porthmisson Bridge, the rock formation near Trevone, close to where I live, the wind was so strong I could hardly stand. It was a joy watching the fulmars wheeling and circling, appearing to be playing in the wind, surfing the strong air currents, showing off their skill and prowess. If you click on the photo below you will be taken to a very short video I managed to take of a fulmar. (If that doesn't work, click here instead.)
I wondered if they had a message for me: "Go with the flow," I heard, "Use the uplift." Adding this to "Deep and slow" feels, for me, like a way forward. A way to regain a different sort of momentum. Sometimes I find goals and action plans useful, essential even. Right now, in this time of rest and reflection, I feel more in a place of allowing. My inner critic calls that procrastination, lack of dedication, laziness. I choose to move beyond that critic.
Right now I am in a place of acceptance of all that is, all that is unfolding. I know, I trust, that my flow of writing for the book will resume when the time is right. In fact the words I have written here for you are part of that. If I allow the process to be deep and slow; if I go with the flow and then use the uplift when it comes; then the finished result will be richer, more rounded, more complete - and may mean more to those who decide to read those words.
There has also been a lot emerging for me about stepping up, into the light - into the spotlight indeed. For that to happen the time needs to be right. This book deserves to be given the right amount of time, and for the literal timing of the launch to be considered. I find it interesting that we use that word, 'launch' for books, and for ships. Another thought now arises: when a ship is launched, she is then taken for fitting out and sea trials. Likewise, I can 'launch' this book in stages too if I wish. It simply has to be 'water tight' first. For me that means that the structure works, is sound, makes sense, has no 'leaks'.
Mmmmm... a lot to ponder on there for me.
For you, suggestions for your journal reflections or meditations:
- Have you ever received any messages from nature?
- Do you choose to ask for help, and then listen to the insights you receive?
- What do the words 'deep and slow' mean for you?
- 'Go with the flow'?
- 'Use the uplift'?